Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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