If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My pussy is not your playground.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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