Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Cover your peen. We're going out.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
