So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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