why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
