Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
