apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize