im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
