I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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