if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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