Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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