Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
