Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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