sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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