He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
