Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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