I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
