Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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