ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
