I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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