Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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