hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
