did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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