Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
