If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We had sex on a dog bed..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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