The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
