Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
