4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i need an iv and a liver transplant
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize