my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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