If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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