college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
