I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
