I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Iām drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Some sorority went āDick or Treatingā at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
