so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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