If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
