i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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