what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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