He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
