When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
