the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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