so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
