dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
