we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
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