My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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