Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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