That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
