You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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