I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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