i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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