I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
