I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
