All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize