I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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