I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
