Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
