You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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