Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
