So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
